Really? That’s your Plan? – Voldemort Part 1

I really enjoyed Harry Potter growing up. The books were very enjoyable reads, the films were fun as they matured with their audience, and the world created by J. K. Rowling is expansive, well thought out, and very impressive.

However, one of my major qualms with the franchise, particularly the films, is the villain. Yes, he has a somewhat creepy design, but truth be told, I never really found him to be intimidating or understand how he rose to power. I mean…just look at this guy.

This is the face of a five-year old who was just told he could have the last chocolate chip cookie.  Trust me, if we took his plans and really studied them with a microscope, you’d be surprised how much of a screw up he is.

Oh and before I forget…





With that out of the way, let’s begin my new segment: Really? That’s your Plan?

The Prophecy

Voldemort is at the peak of his power. His trusted Death Eater, Snape, has just informed him that there is a prophecy of a newly born child will be destined to kill him. Naturally he does some digging, and low and behold, there are two babies who fit all of the prophecy’s description. So what does he do? He decides to target only one child (Harry Potter) because he is a half blood just like Voldemort and also decides to kill the child himself.

…really? That’s your plan? You live in a magical world where prophecies such as these should be taken seriously and you choose to go after only one child? If there are two potential threats to your reign of terror, then why not take care of both of them? Didn’t feel like doubling down when your life’s on the line?

Now let’s be a little fair and say that Voldemort’s plan was to take care of both of them, one after the other. Why are you doing it yourself? You’re the leader of a magical muggle-hating regime! Killing an infant is a chore of the day for your ARMY OF DEATH EATERS! Heck, you could have sent your lackeys out at the SAME TIME to take care of both of those kids. Were you just in one of those “I’m bored so I’m gonna go kill a family myself!” moods? You flew too close to the sun and suffered the consequences, because you don’t know what the word “delegating” means.

Getting Past Fluffy

Infiltrating the school of Hogwarts on the back of Professor Quirrel’s head, Voldemort’s goal is to claim the Sorcerer’s…the Philosopher’s…the Philocerer’s…I’m just gonna call it the Magic Rock. He wants the Magic Rock so he can use it to get his old body back and live forever. Voldemort decides to have Quirrel release a troll on Halloween as a distraction so he can go after the Magic Rock. But uh oh! There’s a giant three-headed dog blocking his way! What sort of dark wizardry will he use to get out of this canine conundrum? He waits six months to ask Hagrid how to get past the three-headed dog by trading him a dragon egg and then waits another month to go after the stone.

…really? That’s your plan? With your years of training with the dark arts, an entire library filled with books including a restricted section, and the ability to freely come and go from Hogwarts as you please to learn about three-headed dogs, and you couldn’t think of ANYTHING TO STOP THAT THING? It’s never stated or implied that Fluffy is magic resistant! You couldn’t transfigure an object into a giant piece of meat to distract it? Transfigure the dog into a three-headed teacup pig? Use the torture curse or even the killing curse? It took him SIX MONTHS TO FIGURE OUT ANYTHING AND HIS BEST OPTION WAS ASK HAGRID? SIX MONTHS? What were you doing in that time? Chatting up the ladies at the Three Broomsticks? COME ON VOLDY!

The Basilisk

Still licking his wounds after losing to Harry Potter yet again, Voldemort disappears for a while. However, that doesn’t mean the spirit of teenage Voldemort in a diary can’t muster up a great plan, right? …right? Oh boy.

So with Ginny Weasley being possessed by Voldemort’s diary, the chamber of secrets is open and this huge, monstrous basilisk is at the command of this dark wizard. Not only is this a creature of great strength, but with a single stare, it can petrify its victims or even kill them. Oh great and brilliant Voldemort, what sort of master plan do you have for us today? Use the basilisk sporadically to petrify a cat, a ghost, and a few “mudblood” students.

“sigh”REALLY? THAT’S your plan? If you have this monstrosity, why don’t you use this thing as much as possible? There are HUNDREDS of students in that school! And you only managed to petrify less then 1%? You could’ve released your little beastie in a classroom, one of the common rooms, or even the great hall! You would have successfully shut down Hogwarts in a matter of weeks! Also, your first victim was a CAT! A FREAKIN’ CAT!

Let’s see we are…ONLY TWO BOOKS/MOVIES IN? I need time to process. Voldemort, go sit in the corner and think about the choices you’ve made. We’ll take a look at your other schemes next week.

Anyone want to stand up for this guy? Agree he isn’t all that? Leave a comment below and let’s get this conversation rolling. Until then, this is Xander signing off.