Ah, Disney villains. So iconic, delightfully evil, and very, very foolish. I’m not here to complain about them. I’m a big fan of the majority of these antagonists. However, if you really take a closer look at some of their schemes, you’d be surprised how many better ways they could’ve dealt with their problems. So let’s take a gander at some of these villains as we dive into another edition of “Really? That’s Your Plan?” For this segment, we will be going through films by order of release.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves – The Evil Queen
The Evil Queen woke up one morning and asked her magic mirror her favorite question: “Who’s the fairest of them all?” Unfortunately, her greatest fear came true as she learned her stepdaughter, Snow White, had become the fairest of them all. So what did she decide to do to deal with this news? She hired a huntsman to kill Snow White to reclaim her position.
Really? That’s your plan? Your first thought is to kill her? Come on Queenie, you’re better then that! First off, she was capable of transforming herself into a hideous hag! Why not use that magic in reverse? Spin the clock back to look young and beautiful again! Better yet, why not use magic to turn Snow White into a hideous hag? She’d be back to being the fairest one like that! Now let’s argue that she doesn’t know any spells to use on Snow White like that. It’s not like she has some sort of omnipotent spirit in her mirror that could tell her the answer to any question-OH WAIT, SHE DOES!
I’ll go even further! Let’s just say the mirror is useless. You hire a huntsman? Why? We saw she was capable of making poison apples! Just make an apple, and say, “Here my stepdaughter, a special treat for you!” and BOOM! You’re done! She’s gone! It’s not like anyone would accuse the queen of killing Snow White because there’s no such thing as CSI Enchanted Forest and SHE’S THE FRICKIN’ QUEEN! HECK, IF SHE’S QUEEN, FRAME SNOW WHITE FOR SOME CRIME AND ORDER HER TO BE EXECUTED! YOU’RE THE QUEEN! PEOPLE HAVE TO OBEY YOU NO MATTER WHAT! COME ON!
Sleeping Beauty – Maleficent
Having not been invited to the birth of the kingdom’s new princess, Aurora, Maleficent arrives fashionably late to the event. When asked to leave, she casts a curse on Aurora, which will cause her to prick her finger on a spinning wheel at the age of sixteen and die.
Really? That’s your plan? Cause that is hardcore diva-villain punishment! All because you weren’t invited to a shindig? That is badass, not going to lie.
Why am I mentioning her even if her plan is pretty killer? Well, her plan may be great, but Aurora’s family does not have a good strategy to combat it. Fortunately, the good fairies are able to alter the curse, making it so Aurora will only fall into an eternal sleep rather then die, with the added bonus of waking up if she receives “True Love’s Kiss.” So what does the royal family decide to do in the meantime? Send Aurora away to live with the three fairies.
Really? That’s your plan? If they know she’s just going to fall asleep, then why not work towards the cure in the mean time! She’s betrothed to Prince Phillip, so why not have them interact as much as possible? That way they know each other better and there’s a better chance for “True Love’s Kiss” to bloom! I see no reason why the king and queen have to abandon their daughter for SIXTEEN YEARS if they know what the cure is and have it on standby!
101 Dalmations – Cruella De Vil
Just when fifteen Dalmatian puppies are born, Cruella De Vil’s puppy senses start tingling as she races over to buy the litter. But uh oh! The puppies are not for sale! What will this tacky dog fur coat obsessed woman do? She hires a couple of goons to steal the puppies.
Really? That’s your plan? I get it, she’s crazy when it comes to getting a Dalmatian fur coat, but we see later in the film that she bought eighty-four other puppies. If you can afford that, then why not buy some more? Was eighty-four not enough? Did the coat you want require ninety-nine exactly? Was there not a single store ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD SO YOU THOUGHT “I’LL STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE I WAS OFFERING TO BUY FROM! THAT’S NOT SUSPICIOUS!” You’re crazier in more ways then one, lady.
That’s all for this week’s Disney Edition. Tune in next week as we look at the Octo-diva, pretty boy, and Voldemort’s cousin. Anyone want to stand up for these plans? Any Disney Villains come to mind based on this blog? Leave a comment below and let’s get this conversation rolling. Until then, this is Xander signing off.