Welcome back! Time for another edition of “Really? That’s Your Plan?” featuring even more of the plans from classic Disney villains. Will their schemes be masterfully crafted or down right silly? Let’s take a look.
The Little Mermaid – Ursula
Evil sea witch Ursula notices that King Triton’s daughter, Ariel, is interested in living amongst the humans and being a part of Prince Eric’s world. Ursula also has a strong desire to rule the ocean. The gears in her head start turning as she formulates an evil scheme: turn Ariel into a human, take her voice, give her three days to win the prince’s heart or else she’ll belong to Ursula. With Ariel under her control, she’ll be able to use her as leverage to take control of the sea.
Really? That’s your plan? Don’t get me wrong; it’s a decent plan. Pretty neat. However…it’s the whole middle part of the plan that leaves me a bit confused. Why would you give her the opportunity to be a human and win Eric’s heart? I’m pretty sure Ariel didn’t read that contract Ursula gave her during the whole song and dance. She could’ve written anything down, even a page long description that sums up to “I own you” and I’m pretty sure Ariel would have signed it! By making the plan more complicated then it had to be, she screwed herself over!
In fact, make it even simpler! Once Ariel was in her grasp, just transform her into one of those scrawny shrimp things! BOOM! Instant hostage for negotiation! No need to provide her with false hope or steal a better voice. For shame Ursula. For shame.
Beauty and the Beast – Gaston
Because Gaston is the handsomest in all the land, he “deserves” the most beautiful in all the land: Belle. Unfortunately, Belle just isn’t interested in getting married to this uneducated, egotistical hunter. So will Gaston: A. Respect Belle’s feelings, understanding that not everyone is for everyone, B. Leave the village to go on a journey of self discovery and perhaps find his true love elsewhere, C. Forgo women entirely and join a monastery, or D. Get Belle’s father committed to a mental institution and use him as leverage to force Belle to marry him? For those of you who selected A, B, or C, I admire your optimism and you REALLY need to watch this movie ASAP.
Okay, Gaston? Real talk time. Have you ever heard of “taking an interest in someone”? Belle likes books. Why don’t you buy her a book? Why don’t you read a book she’s interested in? Can’t read? Why don’t you ask Belle if she would be kind enough to teach you how to read? Perhaps then she’d be a little more inclined to your advances if you just…what’s the word? Ah, yes. BE NICE!
And why would you force her, or ANYONE for that matter to marry you? Let’s look at your “Dream Scenario”. You force Belle to become your wife. Would you honestly be happy? Sure, you’d feel victorious for the first day or so, but her feelings aren’t going to change! She’s going to be miserable and resent you, which in turn would just make you miserable and resent her! Do yourself a favor and just pick one of the blondes that were following you around. Because if you can’t get someone to naturally fall for you, then you’re just going to fall yourself.
Aladdin – Jafar
Jafar has a dream. It’s a farfetched dream, but a dream nonetheless. Jafar wants rise above being the royal vizier so he can rule all of Agrabah instead of the Sultan. To do this, he decides he’ll need the assistance of an all powerful, pop culture spewing, blue man to grant his wish. Jafar gets so close to this dream that he discovers the location of this wish-granting genie: the Cave of Wonders. But! Only the “diamond in the rough” may enter. In order to find this “diamond”, Jafar decides to hypnotize the Sultan into giving him a component necessary for finding the man capable of-
He…hypnotized…the Sultan. He can…hypnotize…the Sultan…into doing…whatever he wants…
THEN WHY THE HELL DO YOU NEED THE LAMP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
YOU CAN HYPNOTIZE HIM! If you control the Sultan, then you control Agrabah! WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR CONTROL OVER A NATION YOU ALREADY HAVE CONTROL OVER?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Is it because you want to be the Sultan? Does little Jafar want to be Sultan when he grows up? Well, I suppose you’re right. A genie is the only way. It’s not like you could have hypnotized the Sultan into forcing Jasmine to marry you, thus making you the Sultan through marriage-OH WAIT, YOU CAN DO THAT BECAUSE THAT WHAT’S YOU DO LATER IN THE MOVIE! IF YOU DIDN’T GO AFTER THE LAMP, YOU WOULD’VE BEEN THE SULTAN EASILY! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I need a break. Hopefully by next week I’ll be calm enough to look at our next few villains. This is Xander signing off.