The Biggest Crime in the Twilight Franchise

It’s pretty odd that I’m such a big Power Rangers fan yet I haven’t had the opportunity to do a blog on them. Well I say it’s time to let my flags fly and kick off-

…I’m sorry, what?

 

…I’m not doing a Power Rangers blog today?

 

…then what am I covering?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I was going to talk about Power Rangers!

 

…what do you mean no one wants me talk about a kids show?!?!?

 

…FINE! I’ll do it! Just put up the-

************************************SPOILERS****************************************

-sign and I’ll get this blog started.

Twilight in General

As a good son who loves his mother, I have had the….“pleasure”…of watching every single Twilight film. And oh boy, it is just a mishmash of utter wrongness.

First, you’ve got the unhealthiest relationship depicted in film…maybe second but we’ll eventually get to that “tied up” mess another time.

Resting bland face here is in love with a glimmering vampire because he’s so MYSTERIOUS and the vampire is so in love with her, he wants to EAT HER! And when they get past that “pesky” problem, he abandons her claiming he doesn’t want her to get hurt! Then Bella becomes so despondent and depressed, she literally does NOTHING for MONTHS before coming to the brilliant conclusion of “If I put myself in life-threatening danger then he’ll come back to me!” That’s crazy ex-girlfriend stuff right there! THEN (you bet there’s more BS) Edward thinks Bella killed herself so he decides to go straight up Romeo and Juliet by EXPOSING HIMSELF AS A VAMPIRE TO THE WORLD TO GET THE VAMPIRE GOVERNMENT (YES, THERE’S A FRICKIN’ VAMPIRE GOVERNMENT) TO KILL HIM! But then they get back together and decide to get married! Aw, that’s such a sweet, romantic story-NOT! IT’S NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST! BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

Absy McWolfy here is also in love Bella for no good reason except it creates a little love triangle. Surprisingly, there’s more to his bod because he’s a really nice guy who has never emotionally abused Bella in any way, shape, or form (unlike the pale disco ball with fangs). With that in mind, we come to the conclusion that, get this: Bella is in love with Jacob!…but she’s in love with Edward more. That’s right. She says that. To both of their faces. And the cherry on top of this monstrosity of wrong is that Bella and Edward have their own little kid…who ends up dating Jacob. THAT’S JUST SUPER CREEPY! WHO WOULD HONESTLY WANT TO DATE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE’S CHILD?!?!?!?

What’s also impressive is that a lot of the actors DESPISE this franchise. Robert Pattinson has gone on to proclaim his many issues with the story as well as saying he got his dignity back after completing Twilight.

I could go all day explaining the missteps of this franchise, including an emotionless father who really doesn’t seem to care much, the fact that vampires sparkle in the sun, and that incredible climatic battle with all of the vampires and wolves turning out to be ALL JUST BE A VISION IN A FORTUNETELLER’S HEAD-

 

…deep breaths, Xander. Deep breaths.

 

But there is one, incredibly underutilized misstep that this entire franchise has failed to realize. And it’s all got to do…with this guy:

This is Benjamin, played by Rami Malek who many people might recognize from Mr. Robot. You may not remember him because he’s briefly in the final film, Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2. So why is this guy so important? Well, he’s not an important character. In fact, I’m pretty sure you could take him out of the film and nothing would be lost.

However…he is the most interesting character. Benjamin is an Egyptian street performer turned vampire with the ability to control water, earth, fire and air. That…is a REALLY interesting concept! It’s like fusing Aladdin, the Avatar, and a vampire! Which brings us to the biggest crime…HOW IS THIS GUY NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER?!?!?

I want to follow the adventures of Benjamin! Egypt and mysticism would go hand in hand, which would make a great setting for a world with vampires and werewolves. Imagine him traversing the Egyptian deserts, surviving on his wit and sleight of hand skills he’s learned through his years of street performing, entering the pyramids to fight off ancient mummies (if vampires and werewolves exist, then of course there will be mummies!). That’s just movie one folks! In other films he travels across the globe to uncover the secrets of the ancients as he fights with his kickass powers! Twilight fans want a romance? Then throw in a romance! A good one that doesn’t promote unstable and unhealthy relationships!

The amount of potential that this guy has for stories baffles me! BUT NO! WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS LIKE AN INMORTAL EGYPTIAN MASTER OF THE ELEMENTS. WE HAVE TO WATCH LITTLE MISS BLAND FACE HAVING THE HARDEST TIME CHOOSING BETWEEN THE WASHBOARD WEREWOLF AND SPARKLE GLITTER BROODMEISTER!

 

But hey, what do I know? I’m just some guy on the Internet.

 

So, what do you all think? Would you like to see a story devoted to Benjamin? Do you have any opinions on Twilight? Leave a comment below, and let’s get this conversation rolling. Until next time, this is Xander, signing off.