Ah…the final segment of “Really? That’s Your Plan?” featuring Disney villains is upon us. Today we look at the recent decade of Disney. Only two today for the final stretch! Here we go!
Hans – Frozen
When Hans was a young lad, he just couldn’t wait to be king. Unfortunately, his twelve older brothers were ahead of him in line for the throne. How will Hans claim the crown he deserves? Not wanting to pull a Scar twelve times, he attempts to become king of another kingdom which I can only assume has a name that sounds like a nasal decongestion. Arendelle? I am two for two. He effortlessly seduces the desperate Princess Anna, getting engaged the same night. He would have killed Elsa at some point through an “accident”, but then she went all icy allowing for a great excuse to execute her.
This is a pretty good plan. Very subtle manipulation and a well thought out scheme. However, there is one problem he has that is a HUGE issue with most villains: GLOATING! It’s a common flaw with most secret villains. Once they reveal that they’re evil, they can’t stop MONOLOGUING about it. When Anna is going to freeze to death and begs Hans to kiss her, he reveals his villainous intentions in depth and leaves her to freeze. So many things can go wrong with this! What if someone overheard his speech through the door? What if a palace guard went inside to remove the body? What if a magical talking snowman saved Anna allowing for her to save Elsa and imprison him in the process? If he just killed her right then and there, he would have won. BUT NO! He HAD to talk about himself and how smart he and his plan are. WHERE’S YOUR PLAN NOW HANS? WHERE IS IT?
Lady Tremaine – Cinderella
Lady Tremaine just wants her daughters to be happy. How can they do that if they have a practically perfect stepsister? By making her their scullery maid she can! But her plan turns sour when Ella goes to the ball, wins the heart of the prince, and the prince makes it his mission to find the girl he danced with at the ball. Don’t worry though, Tremaine-y has got a scheme. She offers Ella an ultimatum: go bring her to meet the prince and secure good marriages for her daughters or never see the prince again.
Really? That’s your plan? Cause it’s a GREAT PLAN! Very well thought out and put together. But we’re not here to praise plans, we got to tear them apart. Which brings us to the person with the worst plans in the movie.
That’s right. The titular character herself. You would not BELIEVE the amount unwillingness this character has to leave her horrible situation. First off, we see she’s capable of leaving her house. SO WHY DOESN’T SHE LEAVE FOR GOOD? She’s forced to be a slave in her own home! Sure, she says she doesn’t want to leave the house of her mother and father. But what does she do once she’s with prince? SHE LEAVES! We don’t see her come back!
Second, she refuses the offer to go with Tremaine to meet the prince. Yes, Tremaine wants her to secure marriages, but that doesn’t mean Ella has to deliver on that promise! She could go to the prince and say “my stepmother is evil and has been forcing me to be slave in my own home” and the problem would be solved! I’m pretty sure the prince would do ANYTHING for the love of his life.
Third, and this is the cardinal sin of the movie: when Ella gets locked up in the attic, no hope of a prince coming to save her and forced to rely on her wits alone, what does she do to try get out of her situation?
She doesn’t try to break the door down.
She doesn’t try to get her mice friends to help.
She doesn’t try to make some sort of escape rope.
The only thing she does…is sing…and nothing else.
WHAT THE F***?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? YOU’RE LOCKED UP IN THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION AND YOU JUST RESIGN YOURSELF TO YOUR FATE? DO YOU HAVE NO SEMBLANCE OF AN IMAGINATION? CAN YOU NOT THINK OF ANYTHING TO TRY AND GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS CONUNDRUM? YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU! HAVING COURAGE AND BEING KIND CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH! PUT SOME FREAKIN’ EFFORT INTO IT! DO SOMETHING!
And sure, her singing did allow the Prince to know she was locked up.
BUT THEY WOULDN’T HAVE HEARD IF IT WASN’T FOR THE MICE OPENING THE WINDOW! WHY DIDN’T YOU OPEN THE WINDOW YOURSELF? WHY DIDN’T YOU SCREAM “HELP! HELP! MY STEPMOTHER IS HOLDING ME HOSTAGE!” DO SOMETHING! DO ANYTHING! YOU SHOULD THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS THAT THE WINDOW OPENED OR ELSE I’M PRETTY SURE YOU WOULD’VE BEEN LOCKED IN THAT ATTIC FOREVER! COOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEE OOOOOOONNNNNNNN!
And that’s it! Thank you so much for joining me for the several weeks for “Really? That’s your Plan?” Disney edition. It’s been fun to walk down memory lane, but alas…there are no more Disney movies left with plans worth talking about. I guess I’ll have to find a new topic next week. I mean, it’s not like I can start going through the abysmal Disney sequels-
No no no.
No no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
NOT THE SEQUELS! ANYTHING BUT THE SEQUELS!
…until then…this is Xander…signing off…I’m scared….